More Peta news...and Shania comments on why she still remains such a beauty to behold...
Link:
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Outdoors columnist Mike Bolton
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Hey PETA, animals are delicious
Sunday, December 12, 2004
It's December and you know what that means. It's that time of the year when we eagerly await a very important day, a time when we reflect on those who mean the most to us.
Christmas? No, silly. It's time for my annual update on the animal rights movement.
First, grant me the opportunity to brag a little. You can imagine my thrill earlier this month when an alert reader pointed out that I was a finalist in PETA's Sexiest Vegetarian Alive competition. I went to the PETA Web site and, sure enough, there was my name, Michael Bolton, on the list along with
Shania Twain, Drew Barrymore, Pamela Anderson, Joaquin Phoenix, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Ashley Judd and Alicia Silverstone.
You can imagine my disappointment when my wife said there must be a mistake because there is no way I was a sexiest man alive finalist. Why? Duh! Because I'm not a vegetarian!
I called PETA to point out the organization's mistake and I was informed that person on the finalist list wasn't me. Some long-haired guy who sings elevator music had stolen my name! Identity theft! (I saw that on "6 on Your Side.")
Shania Twain eventually won the title of Sexiest Vegetarian Alive and in doing so revealed her beauty secrets. "I eat a lot of tofu, and I drink soy shakes with fruit every morning," Twain told PETA. "I always have soybeans, black beans or chickpeas for lunch or dinner."
That is the same diet as the wild turkey's - the ugliest creature on earth - but Twain insists eating food that tastes like paper is the reason for her beauty. Those millions of dollars in clothes, the full-time makeup artists, the full-time hairdressers and a full-time trainer are only publicity gimmicks.
I was crushed by the brief flirtation with animal rights fame, but my heartache surely pales compared to the hurt felt by Pamela Anderson this year. The former "Baywatch" star was replaced as PETA's celebrity spokesperson.
PETA dug deep in the MENSA pool from which Anderson came and selected Anna Nicole Smith as its new spokesperson. Don't you know PETA was embarrassed! It forgot it is an organization that is against artificially injected mammals. Smith says she will no longer eat meat and will return to her diet of bon-bons and Reese's Cups.
PETA's biggest setback of the year came early in 2004 when CBS rejected the organization's Super Bowl ad. The ad showed two women seducing a pizza delivery boy. The reason? Eating meat makes you impotent, the PETA ad said. The commercial ended with the two women showing their appreciation that the pizza boy had taken up eating stuff like radishes and rutabagas.
CBS spokesperson Dana McClintock said the network rejected the ad not because of its raciness, but because of CBS' "general policy against airing advocacy advertisements." CBS, of course, wisely canceled the ad and showed one of Janet Jackson's breasts instead. That caused many viewers to stop eating not only meat, but all other food as well.
It has been a boring year on the animal rights front. A few protests against clubbing baby seals here, a few women walking around naked protesting fur there. The usual stuff. Despite the lack of fireworks, the year reinforced my feelings for all of God's creatures.
I love animals. They're delicious.
Mike Bolton's outdoors column appears every Sunday.
Benjamin
